Inside Out

I was re-reading my journal the other day and came across an entry from a month ago, yet I didn't remember writing it and in some places couldn't read my handwriting. When I'm really bogged down I write as fast as I can then close my journal and let it be. God knows it all anyway. He has examined my heart and knows everything about me. (Psalm 139:1). As an editor, journaling is the one time when I don't have to be in edit mode. Although...
you may wish I had censored myself on this. I'm taking my own advice and using it as is...so here is:

"I give you a lot of confusing direction and prayer. None of which I'm God. I ask you to clear my calendar yet I keep planning around it. I ask where my friends are yet I don't want to be around them. I notice there is no solution. There's no encouragement. It's about whining and complaining.

I just feel ick.

I ask, why do I limit you God? Why do I think you're going to do something uncomfortable in my life? Why do I think you're taking me somewhere I don't want to go? I think because there is so much disappointment. When I ask you say no. But sometimes it looks like you're pushing me into things I don't want.

That verse about you doing small things before you'll do big things is in my head."

I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. Romans 7:18-20 (The Message)

Seize the J