 |
| The Sphere, Battery Park, New York City photo by Stanley Tucker |
On the morning of 9/11 I took my car to my mechanic on Merle Hay and Meredith. The NBC Today show was on the TV in the waiting room while I waited for one of the mechanics to drive me to work. The North Tower had just been hit by the 1st plane. In the car the mechanic said it was probably a terrorist act. I internally rolled my eyes. As I got out of the car I looked at the clock on the dash and it was 8:03 (CST), the time the South Tower was hit.
Like many of you I taped a flag from the newspaper on my patio door and lit candles for weeks to remember those who had died, and to hope for those who were searching at Ground Zero.
Like many of you I taped a flag from the newspaper on my patio door and lit candles for weeks to remember those who had died, and to hope for those who were searching at Ground Zero.
ABC News has an interesting "diary" of events that happened in the month prior to the tragedy.
This made me wonder what I was doing in the months and days prior to 9/11. So I visited my journals.
The months prior to 9/11 my anxiety was palpable. I had visited my friend Sheri in Raleigh, N.C., and had, what I know now, some kind of anxiety related melt down. (Hindsight is 20/20.) I think about bawling uncontrollably on her couch and the grief and sadness, the emotions spilling over but unable to tell it. Sheri, I'm sorry you had to witness that. Sorry about what was aimed at you, and hope you know it wasn't about you.
In the month prior to 9/11 I read a couple of books about fear and opening up to life. Gotta love a book that speaks into me.
"Whatever you are doing—don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take." (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers, p. 108).
What did you do after 9/11?"If you let go of something or someone that has not been divinely ordained for you, you are making room for the Divine to take its place in your life. Fear only delays fulfillment. Fear is the insidious activity of the belief that there is something that God cannot do or does not know." (One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Iyanla Vanzant, p. 315)
Sept. 13 my journal entry was: In some ways everything seems pointless. I wonder about continuing to paint, or looking for a new job, going back to school, hoping for a relationship, buying new clothes. Am I just going to be blown up someday?
Sept. 16: Church was excellent and patriotic. I cried during My Country Tis of Thee.
I think of life then in terms of after 9/11. It was when I became aware that I needed help. For what I didn't know. I knew that I was isolated, alone. I didn't feel lonely for I knew that isolation and alone were just a condition of my life. It wasn't a behavior that I strived for. It just was.
I had a scary evening that I'll attribute to some scary thoughts on a scary med that freaked me. I got in my car and drove around town. To be out in the world, even if it was alone in my car, felt better.
It was warm for a November evening. I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the car for 10 minutes to see what kind of people were going to be there. And then I turned the key in the ignition, put the car in reverse and drove around for another 10 minutes before going back to the parking lot and watch more people go inside. I wasn't afraid of doing this alone. I was used to doing this alone. And yet...I didn't walk into that church on my own that night, but was being led by a shepherd that wanted me back."As a wounded or dying animal crawls to be alone so the stricken person craves aloneness, whether to die of it, or to be healed." (A Widow's Story, Joyce Carol Oates, p. 244)What would save me.
If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! (Jeremiah 15:19)Seize the J
No comments:
Post a Comment