I've been reading about spiritual disciplines (journaling, by the way, is one). As an exercise for the School of Listening Prayer, I fasted. Before doing it I asked God to show me my weaknesses. Ouch. A word of caution if you pray this. This prayer was answered within seconds and went on for several weeks. I've finally said, “I get it. I get it. Now help me out of my messes.” The spiritual discipline I’ve been studying is confession and self-examination, "to surrender my weaknesses and faults to the forgiving love of Christ and intentionally desire and embrace practices that lead to transformation."
I have attachments to busyness and independence. Busyness, unfortunately, is where I get validation.
It does keep me in community and therefore humbled because I learn a lot from you and others. But busyness keeps my mind on the going nowhere treadmill. I'm not sure going nowhere, or somewhere for that matter, or accomplishing something, is the right goal or should even be a goal of a Christian. In other words, am I only serving because I will accomplish some human goal or that it will take me to some level? That is self serving. Not Christ serving. That's a goal of a human doing not a human being. Being busy is filling time. Busyness keeps me in the public eye. Busyness keeps me from being lonely and isolated, and I'm afraid of those because of anxiety and depression. Busyness seems to be about validation, which borders on pride.
Independence, and my attachment to it, was a complete surprise. I didn’t realize that it was an attachment.
I’m extremely comfortable doing things on my own, going places by myself. Walking through a door by myself isn’t one of those things I’m uncomfortable doing. It’s the norm. It’s probably more out of my comfort zone to walk through the door with others.
Recently someone told me he viewed me as strong and that made me wonder about strength. I was puzzled by that. Like, uh, what other way is there to be? My parents raised strong children and for that, I reflect back to God with gratitude. And I’ve learned to be strong because of circumstances, because of independence, and because there was no one around to rescue me out my situations, and no one could rescue me. I had to learn it on my own. Because of Him I am strong. In my rewritten paradigm from Christ Life class it is affirmed, “You are my strength. You are my source for love and joy.”
I asked God to show me my weaknesses. I know my strengths but my strengths turn out to also be some weaknesses.
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5
"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it was with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty." Philippians 4:11-14
Seize the J
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