The Failure Forest

flickr image by daniel_sh
I haven't run for 6 weeks because of some low back/hip/sciatic/inflammation issues. (Yes it's multiple choice on what this condition is!) After 3 months of physical therapy and 3 different physical therapists I've been given the "okay to run". This is life giving to me. Suh weet.

In this season I have discovered some things about my mental mood when I'm not running. I don't like not running. I don't like how I feel and when I'm not running, it's easy to make excuses to not run.

The drip of endorphins had totally gone dry. Mentally it was easier to be brought down. There is the constant back and forth in my mind not landing wholly on clarity. Leave. No stay. No leave. No stay. Then there's the full serving plate (and I'm not talking food). I love to serve others. It's one of my spiritual gifts, ya know, and when I don't feel satisfied I fill that plate up like a pasta carbo load before a marathon, (by the way I don't pasta load).  

My doctors and physical therapists still can't pinpoint what has my back in stressed mode but it's not exercise induced. Praise God! I think it has something to do with a stressful job and sitting in a chair all day.

So for Lent I gave up cookies, cake, candy, candy bars, and sweets in general. I also gave up the need for outside affirmation. That's a difficult one. Sometimes just cracking jokes is enough to give me affirmation. So not sure how I gave that up.  

Yesterday I did a last minute fast. I was driving to the doctors having fasted through the night and morning for blood work. So I thought, "Well I've fasted this long, how about fasting all day?" 

Unfortunately I didn't approach it with a wisdom mindset so I was just praying that magical prayer that God would let me know what to do. "Leave." or "Stay." I truly wanted to hear one of those. Nope. I didn't. I have a feeling though that if I encountered the burning bush with a big sign that said, "Janet, leave." I'd still question whether it was me he was talking to or some other Janet. I want my God to be specific, not general.

I've been reading If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get out of the Boat by John Ortberg. I read it 12 years ago and it applied for that chapter of my life and it applies today too. My reluctance to change all gets down to fear. If I do this, it equals that. Or so I think. If I change direction like I did 7 years ago and fail again, it means that I'm not really good at what I'm told I'm good at. It means that I didn't listen 7 years ago, for the same reasons that I may not be listening now. It means I may have a certain amount of determination to get out of a situation that is toxic, stagnant, and life sucking. It means that I have to trust God all over again in something that I have yet to figure out 7 years later why I was in a situation that was hell.

I've failed at many things but I try to keep it at a minimum. I recover. So why do I fear it? I don't want to keep running back to God with the same old complaints. Somehow I don't think God minds that I run back to him.
The cave of failure offers a precious chance to learn. But we must be willing to ask courageous questions:
Am I chasing the right dream?
Is what I'm pursuing consistent with God's calling on my life?
Am I operating out of what God made me to do, or out of my own needs for appearing important and significant?
Am I willing to remain in the cave if it means being true to God?–Ortberg
Some days it's really hard to see the forest for the trees.

Run Forrest run!

Seize the J
I'm on the edge of losing it—the pain in my gut keeps burning. I'm ready to tell my story of failure ... I have many aggressive enemies; they hate me without reason. They repay me evil for good and oppose me for pursuing good. Psalm 38:17-20

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