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| Nicci Mechler flickr image |
I have green eyes, sometimes they appear blue or teal depending on what I'm wearing. I'm not really referring to the color of my eyes though. I'm referring to the green-eyed monster-- jealousy, envy.
Merriam Webster's definition 2 fits what I'm talkin' about: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage. Or what Henry Nouwen recognizes as jealousy: "Why are you now suddenly so interested in someone else and not in me?"*
The only thing this jealousy brings about is I may understand a little bit more that God is jealous for me. I've never understood this because he's God! for crying out loud. What does he have to be jealous of? He's got the whole world in his hands right? He made the stars and put them there, he counted the sand. I mean it's just little ol' me down here trying to make it in the world today. But he wants my attention. He wants to be the only one. No one comes before him. And that I understand.
Dr. Townsend, the combo of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, has a video that helped me understand where some of this jealousy comes from. He says that if one didn't receive a lot of affirmation, and that they always thought they got the short end of the stick, that sometimes leads to a jealous feelings in life.
My dating experience has been anything but stellar. And one of the common themes was that no matter who I was seeing, he had someone else on the back burner, just in case I guess. How crummy is that! One of these guys even told me he was dating me and someone else because he was trying to figure out who was better for him! Yeah guess he picked the right one because I was better than that is all I have to say!
Is it really any wonder that I have a jealous streak?
So the result is I don't really trust that people want to stick with me. Seriously, that's the pattern that's been established here isn't it? What I'm looking for in a relationship is the man that says to himself, this girl is something special, she is something else, she is something to be pursued. I'm done serial dating. I'm done with serial relationships. She is one I want to know.
This comes back to my last blog post below, are you leading your life, are you leading your days, for the person you are looking for. Because I am looking at you.
One of the things I ponder is do singles know that we need to be living our lives as a single, the same way we'd live our lives in a one on one relationship?
If you treat women as if they are on the back burner in your single life, do you realize you'll treat that special someone when you meet her as if she's on the back burner?
When you ignore me in the discussion, at the grocery store, on the sidelines, you'll ignore me in the relationship.
And I realize this applies to me too. If I'm not feeling so right now, I will not be so right in a relationship later.
I'm not saying change who you are to be a certain way only for it to be false. I'm not saying adapt interests to attract someone you're not.
I'm just sayin': Are you the person you want to be in a relationship with?
One of my favorite TV shows was Friday Night Lights. One of the phrases the players said in their huddle in the locker room was "Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose."
That's me. Can't lose.
* Touching the Holy, Robert J. Wicks, p. 31
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