The Failure Forest

flickr image by daniel_sh

I haven't run for 6 weeks because of some low back/hip/sciatic/inflammation issues. (Yes it's multiple choice on what this condition is!) After 3 months of physical therapy and 3 different physical therapists I've been given the "okay to run". This is life giving to me. Suh weet.

In this season I have discovered some things about my mental mood when I'm not running. I don't like not running. I don't like how I feel and when I'm not running, it's easy to make excuses to not run.

The drip of endorphins had totally gone dry. Mentally it was easier to be brought down. There is the constant back and forth in my mind not landing wholly on clarity. Leave. No stay. No leave. No stay. Then there's the full serving plate (and I'm not talking food). I love to serve others. It's one of my spiritual gifts, ya know, and when I don't feel satisfied I fill that plate up like a pasta carbo load before a marathon, (by the way I don't pasta load).  

My doctors and physical therapists still can't pinpoint what has my back in stressed mode but it's not exercise induced. Praise God! I think it has something to do with a stressful job and sitting in a chair all day.

So for Lent I gave up cookies, cake, candy, candy bars, and sweets in general. I also gave up the need for outside affirmation. That's a difficult one. Sometimes just cracking jokes is enough to give me affirmation. So not sure how I gave that up.  

Yesterday I did a last minute fast. I was driving to the doctors having fasted through the night and morning for blood work. So I thought, "Well I've fasted this long, how about fasting all day?" 

Unfortunately I didn't approach it with a wisdom mindset so I was just praying that magical prayer that God would let me know what to do. "Leave." or "Stay." I truly wanted to hear one of those. Nope. I didn't. I have a feeling though that if I encountered the burning bush with a big sign that said, "Janet, leave." I'd still question whether it was me he was talking to or some other Janet. I want my God to be specific, not general.

I've been reading If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get out of the Boat by John Ortberg. I read it 12 years ago and it applied for that chapter of my life and it applies today too. My reluctance to change all gets down to fear. If I do this, it equals that. Or so I think. If I change direction like I did 7 years ago and fail again, it means that I'm not really good at what I'm told I'm good at. It means that I didn't listen 7 years ago, for the same reasons that I may not be listening now. It means I may have a certain amount of determination to get out of a situation that is toxic, stagnant, and life sucking. It means that I have to trust God all over again in something that I have yet to figure out 7 years later why I was in a situation that was hell.

I've failed at many things but I try to keep it at a minimum. I recover. So why do I fear it? I don't want to keep running back to God with the same old complaints. Somehow I don't think God minds that I run back to him.

The cave of failure offers a precious chance to learn. But we must be willing to ask courageous questions:
Am I chasing the right dream?
Is what I'm pursuing consistent with God's calling on my life?
Am I operating out of what God made me to do, or out of my own needs for appearing important and significant?
Am I willing to remain in the cave if it means being true to God?–Ortberg

Some days it's really hard to see the forest for the trees.

Run Forrest run!

Seize the J

I'm on the edge of losing it—the pain in my gut keeps burning. I'm ready to tell my story of failure ... I have many aggressive enemies; they hate me without reason. They repay me evil for good and oppose me for pursuing good. Psalm 38:17-20

Chalk It Up

flickr image by Francis Bourgouin

I'm reading My Reading Life by Pat Conroy. He writes about a teacher that influenced his life and I've thought about the teachers who have influenced me.

Mrs. Albertson, my kindergarten teacher. I loved playing with a large cloth doll in her classroom. I was fascinated zipping its zippers and buttoning its buttons and tying its shoes. I'm sure her kindness was a good influence and a good start to a life of learning. Mrs. Gravett, my 4th grade teacher, who always made sure her students had hugs. Mr. Beeler, who was a great algebra and geometry teacher and always had a joke and a smile. Mr. Housman, history, who snarled when I corrected his spelling (an editor in the making back then). And Mr. Ogden, my typing teacher, influenced me as I type this today.

There was Professor Green who, to my surprise, read my paper out loud in class. I rode on eagles wings that day when I heard the words I'd written being read aloud by him. (Later Robert congratulated me for this honor. Good ol' Roberto, where's my beach friend?) Professor Green was an encouragement to me as I had yet to declare a major. I'll never be the kind of author I dreamed I would be writing from the garret. Some dreams are tender to remember.

Good writing is one of the forms that hard labor takes. It is neither roadhouse nor weigh station, but much more like some unnameable station of the cross.
—Pat Conroy

What the teacher is, is more important than what he teaches.—Karl Menninger

And then there are those that confuse me as to why they chose that path and I drop them from any speck of influence. She had the audacity to raise her hand to slap me and later that afternoon did a psychological "artist" exercise for us to draw our feelings on paper. And being the good little student, I drew all red and black scribbles as tears streamed down my face. Her psychological exercise wasn't lost on me. He was a poor teacher who picked me out of class to read a letter that was passed back to me. Up until that time I rather liked math.

I'm sure there's some forgiveness lesson in here, and I'm not forgettin'. It's a great story.

In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.
(Matthew 6:14,15 MSG)

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

(Psalm 139:23)

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My Left Hamstring

photo: St. Peter's Episcopal Church
San Pedro

Last year I took a challenge from a Purpose Driven Life devotion to trust God. It's not like I think about not trusting God, but there are areas of my life that I like to be "all in" and "hands on". Purpose Driven Life specifically said to "Ask God to help you give your trust to him." Hmmm. Ask God for that trust? Okay I can do that. 

I have to say I didn't see much happening for the 1st 6 months or so. Life happened in the day to day. So in June I asked myself, "What am I doing asking God to help me trust him?" What if I did it the bold way and said, "God I trust you with this. I don't know what you're doing, but I trust you do."

So whenever something came up that I wanted to get my hands and mind involved with, I'd say to God, "I trust you God with this." I trust you with this day. I trust you with this relationship. I trust you with my job. I trust you with this 10 mile run. I trust you with my health. I trust you with my life. I trust you know what's going on because I don't.

And so it goes.

And little by little I began to trust. Not because I was asking for trust but because I said, "I trust." Whether I felt like I was trusting or not, I put it out there that I was trusting.

It's a little like doing my training runs on those hot summer mornings. The kind I love that are all thick with humidity and 90 degrees at 8 o'clock in the morning and the trails are a welcome place to run because of the shade. I didn't know if I could run the 8 miles on my training log that day. What would my feet feel like, what about my knees, how much pain when it was over? Well now I know there's nothing I like more than an 8 mile run. And so I began to trust that I'd get through that 8 mile run, and that 10 mile run and eventually the 13.1. (And my feet and knees felt fine. It was the summer skin heat rash that was painful!)

I can't say that I have the trust thing all cornered down. I'm not saying that there aren't times when I want to take it back and get my hands all dirty in the mud pie of it and that I make a decision on my own that doesn't feel like trust. There are mornings when I look in the mirror after a sleepless night of tossing and turning over something that left me puzzled or tears staining my brain. When that uncertainty crept in and I asked, "What am I doing in this?" It followed that, "I don't know what you're doing God, but I trust you that you do."

I've discovered my trust and faith is like my left hamstring, I know it's there, but I have to exercise it, tighten it on cue to feel it.

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. (Hebrews 11:1 MSG)

Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1 CEV)

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1 NLT)

Happy New Year!

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Clear Eyes, Full Heart, Can't Lose

Nicci Mechler flickr image

I have green eyes, sometimes they appear blue or teal depending on what I'm wearing. I'm not really referring to the color of my eyes though. I'm referring to the green-eyed monster-- jealousy, envy.

Merriam Webster's definition 2 fits what I'm talkin' about: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage. Or what Henry Nouwen recognizes as jealousy: "Why are you now suddenly so interested in someone else and not in me?"*

The only thing this jealousy brings about is I may understand a little bit more that God is jealous for me. I've never understood this because he's God! for crying out loud. What does he have to be jealous of? He's got the whole world in his hands right? He made the stars and put them there, he counted the sand. I mean it's just little ol' me down here trying to make it in the world today. But he wants my attention. He wants to be the only one. No one comes before him. And that I understand.

Dr. Townsend, the combo of Henry Cloud and John Townsend, has a video that helped me understand where some of this jealousy comes from. He says that if one didn't receive a lot of affirmation, and that they always thought they got the short end of the stick, that sometimes leads to a jealous feelings in life.

 

My dating experience has been anything but stellar. And one of the common themes was that no matter who I was seeing, he had someone else on the back burner, just in case I guess. How crummy is that! One of these guys even told me he was dating me and someone else because he was trying to figure out who was better for him! Yeah guess he picked the right one because I was better than that is all I have to say!

Is it really any wonder that I have a jealous streak?

So the result is I don't really trust that people want to stick with me. Seriously, that's the pattern that's been established here isn't it? What I'm looking for in a relationship is the man that says to himself, this girl is something special, she is something else, she is something to be pursued. I'm done serial dating. I'm done with serial relationships. She is one I want to know.

This comes back to my last blog post below, are you leading your life, are you leading your days, for the person you are looking for. Because I am looking at you.

One of the things I ponder is do singles know that we need to be living our lives as a single, the same way we'd live our lives in a one on one relationship? 

If you treat women as if they are on the back burner in your single life, do you realize you'll treat that special someone when you meet her as if she's on the back burner? 

When you ignore me in the discussion, at the grocery store, on the sidelines, you'll ignore me in the relationship. 

And I realize this applies to me too. If I'm not feeling so right now, I will not be so right in a relationship later. 

I'm not saying change who you are to be a certain way only for it to be false. I'm not saying adapt interests to attract someone you're not. 

I'm just sayin': Are you the person you want to be in a relationship with? 

One of my favorite TV shows was Friday Night Lights. One of the phrases the players said in their huddle in the locker room was "Clear eyes, full heart, can't lose." 

That's me. Can't lose.

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* Touching the Holy, Robert J. Wicks, p. 31

What Time Is It?

Bristolbikes flickr photo

I'm at that stage. The one I thought I would never be at. The one that I said if I ever get to this stage it means I've given up. The one that is similar to the one right around age 30 when I said, "If I'm still going to bars when I get that old, tell me to give it up." (Not goin' to bars anymore for those reasons. Thank God I wised up.)

I'm at that the stage that means I've given up. There must be no hope left. The one where I would let no one pity me after hearing my friend Jeff say to Mary, "I feel sorry for Janet." Ick. I never want anyone to pity me. Then and there I had decided to be the best single person I could be. And I was for a long time.

I have reached that stage again though. The point of exhaustion. Scraping the rocks. The one where there is nothing left. The one I thought I'd reached many times before. The one where I've cried tears of exhaustion that I'm afraid I'll be the last single person left on the face of the earth. Yeah that one!

So for the 2nd time I've been listening to Andy Stanley's  The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating sermon series. If you're single or you have a single friend you care about, listen to this series. Andy issues a challenge to quit dating for one year. That's not really a challenge to me because I'm not dating, but I've thought about it in another way. 

What if for one year I don't think about men in romantic terms? Instead I : renew my mind. Overcome temptation to look. Speak respectfully. Change the way I think about and treat men. Inhabit a positive attitude.

What if I quit talking to God about this and instead trusted my life to him? Well there are all kinds of reasons this sounds totally ridiculous. For one it's horrible timing. God doesn't have a Swatch, a Timex, or my favorite Movado watch so who cares about timing? And what will I learn about myself anyway? That I'm yet alone again naturally? Like I need a reminder.

Andy asks this question:

Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?

I want to be the person I’m looking for is looking for. The one thing I'd like to be that my person is looking for—fun! There has been a lack of play time in my life. What do I like to do for fun? Run, bike, take road trips for a day, look at old stuff, vintage, antique, watch movies, watch basketball, go to the theater, go to concerts, bake cookies, pizza, play on swings in the park, color in coloring books (for real!)

Let's see how many times have I surrendered this? And how many more times? If I surrender every day so what?

The journal entry goes something like this: This dream is yours to begin with. It's yours. And when I want to take it back and possess it, remind me I gave it to you. I trust you with my dream.

Seize the J

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11)

A Decade After 9/11

The Sphere, Battery Park, New York City
photo by Stanley Tucker

What were you doing 10 years ago on 9/11? Do you remember what you were doing that morning? Do you remember what you were doing the days or months prior to Sept. 11? Do you remember what you were doing the days or months after Sept. 11?

On the morning of 9/11 I took my car to my mechanic on Merle Hay and Meredith. The NBC Today show was on the TV in the waiting room while I waited for one of the mechanics to drive me to work. The North Tower had just been hit by the 1st plane. In the car the mechanic said it was probably a terrorist act. I internally rolled my eyes. As I got out of the car I looked at the clock on the dash and it was 8:03 (CST), the time the South Tower was hit.

Like many of you I taped a flag from the newspaper on my patio door and lit candles for weeks to remember those who had died, and to hope for those who were searching at Ground Zero.

ABC News has an interesting "diary" of events that happened in the month prior to the tragedy.

This made me wonder what I was doing in the months and days prior to 9/11. So I visited my journals.

The months prior to 9/11 my anxiety was palpable. I had visited my friend Sheri in Raleigh, N.C., and had, what I know now, some kind of anxiety related melt down. (Hindsight is 20/20.) I think about bawling uncontrollably on her couch and the grief and sadness, the emotions spilling over but unable to tell it. Sheri, I'm sorry you had to witness that. Sorry about what was aimed at you, and hope you know it wasn't about you.

In the month prior to 9/11 I read a couple of books about fear and opening up to life. Gotta love a book that speaks into me.

"Whatever you are doing—don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take." (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers, p. 108).

"If you let go of something or someone that has not been divinely ordained for you, you are making room for the Divine to take its place in your life. Fear only delays fulfillment. Fear is the insidious activity of the belief that there is something that God cannot do or does not know." (One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Iyanla Vanzant, p. 315)

What did you do after 9/11?

Sept. 13 my journal entry was: In some ways everything seems pointless. I wonder about continuing to paint, or looking for a new job, going back to school, hoping for a relationship, buying new clothes. Am I just going to be blown up someday?

Sept. 16: Church was excellent and patriotic. I cried during My Country Tis of Thee.

I think of life then in terms of after 9/11. It was when I became aware that I needed help. For what I didn't know. I knew that I was isolated, alone. I didn't feel lonely for I knew that isolation and alone were just a condition of my life. It wasn't a behavior that I strived for. It just was.

I had a scary evening that I'll attribute to some scary thoughts on a scary med that freaked me. I got in my car and drove around town. To be out in the world, even if it was alone in my car, felt better.

 "As a wounded or dying animal crawls to be alone so the stricken person craves aloneness, whether to die of it, or to be healed." (A Widow's Story, Joyce Carol Oates, p. 244)

What would save me.

It was warm for a November evening. I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the car for 10 minutes to see what kind of people were going to be there. And then I turned the key in the ignition, put the car in reverse and drove around for another 10 minutes before going back to the parking lot and watch more people go inside. I wasn't afraid of doing this alone. I was used to doing this alone. And yet...I didn't walk into that church on my own that night, but was being led by a shepherd that wanted me back.

If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! (Jeremiah 15:19)

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What's Your Tantrum?

Russell Reno flickr image

In my writing I notice I link to melancholy, which I don't understand considering my "normal" childhood. While I had a happy and creative, and hard working childhood, I can remember feeling misunderstood probably because of a lack of communication skills, that sometimes resulted in temper tantrums. Temper tantrums are just that, not being able to communicate because of a lack of communication skills. Seems like a cycle. Communication is still hard for me because I feel repressed, where is my voice, and who wants to hear me?
 
That's why writing in my journal is a release. It's much easier to take pen to paper, or write an e-mail, and tell someone my feelings than to use my vocal chords.

I'm much more a listener than a talker. I become blocked by all the external messages I receive. I pay attention to body language and I'm likely to clam up if someone is yawning, if they look bored, or if there is a continued gaze at something happening in the distance, that to me says "I'm interested in what's going on over there not here."

I've heard that children that have temper tantrums are highly sensitive to their environments. They pick up on things in their surroundings that others don't. Tags on clothing drive me crazy, always have. I cut out the most annoying that feel like paper or sandpaper. I couldn't wait to get out of those scratchy dresses with the netting that my mom dressed me in. Whoever came up with tag free clothing must've known the agony of a paper tag scratching the back of the neck or the small of the back.  

What about you, what are you sensitive about?

Did you throw temper tantrums as a kid? And you turned out okay like me, right?

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...return to a life of peace and quiet...(Jeremiah 46:27)

You Lead Me Here

Scott Polk flickr image

You go before me

in all that I do.

You have already been

down

the path.

You're sending me.

Each season,

you prepare it.

When trees turn

you are here.

From green to

gold to

brown to

fall...

off.

You consider

everything.

You go before all.
To all:

who live on the earth,

to all:

who cry to you.

My bones

grow weak. 

I am so

weary.

And yet, and yet...

I am in hope

for

my heart is confident in you O God.

In lifted hands,

you are worthy of praise.

In lifted voice
high

over raging waters...
you are worthy of praise.

Another season: 

flashes of lightning,
on and off, fill the night sky.

You know your seasons.
You created them in the beginning.

You know your reasons and
your corrections.

You go before me.
My heart rejoices
that you know better than I.

 

When dew is on vine,
in morning bright

seek:
your word for the day.

On solid ground. Stand.

You go before me.

Sun shines,

ice is melted.
You go before me,
My life, guard.

Myself,

in your sanctuary.
Abundantly,

in your bountiful hand.

I created this psalm in a workshop led by Ray McGinnis, author of Journaling the Sacred. McGinnis created this exercise using phrases from the psalms that are highlighted in red.

I'll be leading this technique and 2 others in a journaling breakout session at the Express Your Faith Writer's Conference at Lutheran Church of Hope, August 20.

Try it. Write the phrases in red in your journal. Then connect the phrases with your thoughts, ideas and feelings. You're on your way to being a psalm maker!

Or...invite me to your group and I'll customize the phrases for you.

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For we are God’s masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

What I Learned From Unbusy

For Lent I decided to become unbusy. Just like we can get ourselves busy, we can get ourselves unbusy. I decided to live a noncalendared life. And oh Babe how good it is!

How did I do it? All it took was a talk with God about the things in my life that weren't working. As if he needed to be told. He'd been telling me that for quite a while. And then he naturally eliminated some of the responsibilities (i.e., burdens) I was carrying. Why? Because it is good!

A show I was scheduled to work was canceled. I stepped down from a commitment that was overwhelming me. Several freelance projects I'd said yes to weeks earlier didn't happen. Phone calls weren't made. E-mails weren't created.

While most friends encouraged my journey into a noncalendared life and said, "You go girl. I wish I could do the same," some thought I'd lost my mojo. Seriously?

Anxiety, panic, heart palpitations, surviving on a few hours of sleep, confusion, memory wipe outs. What on that list sounds like a good thing to hold on to?

There were some suggestions to be unbusy: read a book (sounds like another thing to keep busy), look at yet another website (sounds like another thing to keep busy), talk to so and so who did the same thing (sounds like another thing to keep busy).

I discovered the joy of saying "no."

I began spending the last 45 minutes of my evening seated on the floor beside my bed, talking to God, just talking, sometimes crying, sometimes saying nothing.

Here are some other fun things I did during unbusy:
Baked cookies.
Met with friends for great talks, laughs.
Listened to music—live and otherwise.
Read one book at a time, without three others on deck.
Ran and biked on beautiful Sundays.
Ran an 8K.
Served.

The less I do, the less I feel compelled to do anything more.

Life is sweet. Bake cookies. Ride a bike. Run like your life depends on it.

And Seize the J

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16: 9, 3)

March Madness

Do you have a bucket list?

I don't set goals. It's not that I don't have goals. It's just that I go out and do stuff and don't set it in stone with a time and a place.

I don't call them goals, dreams, a to-do list, or a bucket list. I keep them somewhere in the back 40 of my cerebellum.

Here are things I've accomplished that at one time were in my back 40, things I'd always wanted to do:

College cheerleader.
Graduated from college.
Lived in a big city (Denver).
Editor.
Traveled to New York City (5 times).
Ran a 10K.
Ran 10 miles.
Ran a half marathon.
Own a black Honda.
Own a cottage-type house.

So here is the detailed, specific list of what I wanted that list to really be:

Be a cheerleader for the University of Iowa.
Graduate from the University of Iowa.
Live in New York City.
Be an editor for a glossy magazine.
Be a book submissions/manuscript editor.
Run? I have bad knees! Why would I run?
Car? I didn't even own a car, couldn't afford a car in my Greeley days.
Own a Pottery Barn cottage in Beaverdale.

The last list, maybe like yours, is detailed. But when I compare it to what I've really done, what was actually served up is the same set of accomplishments, just a different back 40.

It's okay to be specific and detailed in your goals, but I finally realized that if I lived my life thinking I'd only had accomplishments if I lived by the specific list, then, in short, I failed. And I haven't!

And I believe it's okay to be open to what God makes happen in his creative way because there may be some great, exciting adventures along the way. His way is better than my way.

Just for fun I made a bucket list. Here are some other things in the back rooms of my mind:

Eat a crab cake at the farmer's market.
Visit Tiffany's in New York City.
Travel to Disney World.
Hear my Dad say I love you.
Get dressed up and have dinner at an atmospheric restaurant with (insert ____ here !)
Be in love...that leads to marriage.
Go to Hawaii.
Help others write their stories.
Own a fun/sporty car (black, of course).
Go to a U2 concert.

What have you done that at one time was just an idea, just something hanging out in your mind? Allow it to be simple. Allow it to be an accomplishment. What have you said to yourself, "Someday I'd like to ... "

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. -- Robert Frost

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

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Ordinary Joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

The most ordinary moments in 2010 center around friendships.

I remember:

coffee with friends in front of fireplaces sipping lattes or mochas at Friedrichs, Cafe Diem, Amici Espresso, Smokey Row;

gulping water or Gatorade after a Monday evening run with friends from Capital Striders, sitting on a picnic table watching the sun go down and getting eaten by mosquitoes, but not caring too much either, slurping a popsicle after the Midnight Madness run, sweating off the heat and humidity;

getting a phone call from a friend after I had just prayed; now that seems fairly extraordinary

eating blueberry pie, Dutch letters, or walking to Snookies malt shop for ice cream with my small group on Thursday evenings;

What I remember about 2010 is having a lot of pleasant surprises. I'd like to live my 2011 with a lot more surprises and a lot of joy.

Joyful because it's about connecting from the heart with people who have heart.

God, I am filled with joy because of you, and I sing your praises. Psalm 9:2

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Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth and touched your soul?

I am soooo not a foodie. Not into making food, baking food, discussing food, or idolizing food, but somehow I manage to eat. Here are some of my favorite foods.

Favorite veggies: lima beans, radishes (one of my favorite childhood memories is having a butter and and radish slice open-face sandwich with my Mom on the back step)
Favorite fruit: strawberries, white grapes
Favorite juice: grapefruit juice
Favorite Blizzard: Midnight Truffle
Favorite breakfast before a run: Malt-O Meal, maple and brown sugar
Favorite peanut butter: Smuckers all natural
Favorite meal dining out: cashew chicken
Favorite meals I make: chili in the crock, pizza.

Here's my pizza recipe.

Mama Mary's pizza crust
olive oil
prepared pesto (Alessi)
tomato paste
World Classics artichoke and tomato antipasto
black olives, sliced
mozzarella cheese

Heat oven to 425 degrees. Drizzle both sides of pizza crust with olive oil. Bake until lightly brown on the bottom, 3-4 minutes. Remove from oven. Spread pesto and tomato paste on top of crust. Top pizza with artichoke and tomato antipasto, black olives, and mozzarella cheese.

Bake for 12-14 minutes.

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Photo – A Present to Yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

I love this photo of me and my best friends from high school, Deanna and Jill. It was taken with my digital Canon PowerShot with the self timing method. I like it because it brings back a time when we were carefree. We always had quite a time together, goofing off, laughing, being light hearted, no worries. Deanna often picked us up in her parent's Cutlass. We shared birthdays, church parties, roller skating, music, sports (okay they shared sports, I cheered them on). 


One of my favorite memories of Jill is when our class was at recess playing baseball at the Udell school. We were in 5th grade (?) and I was playing shortstop and I caught a flyball. Now this is memorable because I wasn't athletic, had never caught a flyball, and have never caught one since. But I remember Jill running up to me and hugging me 'cause yeah, it was kind of a big deal.


Memories of Deanna revolve around going to her house after church. Even back then I wasn't much of a meat eater. Her mom, Marilyn, gave me banana, after banana, after banana 'cause I kept eating them. I remember baking in the Easy-bake Oven, blowing bubbles, making recordings imitating farmers.


We met this year 4th of July weekend at Smokey Row in Oskaloosa. It's a memory I've thought about a lot since then. We shared a little of the challenges that we have walked across, walked through, and came out on the other side as better, faster, stronger, more aware, and yeah definitely bionic.

Looking back I can hardly imagine that God would've dreamed up that I could have such enduring, life giving, beautiful souls for friends at a critical time growing up. I can hardly imagine that God knew in our mother's wombs the kind of friendships we would need.

This picture captures both who I am and who I strive to be. Happy, resilient, relational, goofy, spunky, loving, encouraging, caring. And that also describes Deanna and Jill. A 3-way mirror.

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
      Before you were born I set you apart... (Jeremiah 1:5)

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Everything's Okay

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

Clarity doesn't come quickly to me. I think, analyze, scrutinize, bend an idea up, down, around, sideways, backwards, and try to reason and make sense of it before making a decision. It's tiring being this analytical. I talk myself out of a lot of things. Unfortunately it also leads to assumptions, high expectations, and perfectionism. I've always wanted to be a quick thinker without 2nd guessing myself.

A personal philosophy of mine has always been to seek and understand. I'd add to that I also need to learn to trust that God already has it all figured out. And to think, he did it all without my help and musing!

The Lord answered Job from the whirlwind: Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east? (Job 38: 1, 2, 12)

Joyce Meyer said, "I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, 'Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused.' Reasoning and confusion go together."

My devotion this morning said, "Ask God to help you give your trust entirely to him this coming year, and then watch what he does in your life."

That releases me from a lot of worry. I'm doing it.

Watch what he does in my life. Try it with me.

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New Name

Leo Reynolds
flickr image

Let's meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? 
You can call me Jan or you can call me Janet, but don't call me Janice, Jana, Jeanette, or Janey. 

In 3rd grade I began signing my papers Jan. Jan Brady was a big influence. My family and friends began calling me Jan and my college friends still call me Jan. When I hear them call me my familiar name, it invites memories of studying at the front library tables, basketball games during interterm, racquetball challenges, Funyuns, Hookman parties, life-long friends, identity, ownership of self. Me, myself, I.

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Travel

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? 

Planes, trains, automobiles. Happily seeking with wonder. A text surprise. Losing myself and losing my path, but not losing my way. Running into something. Running away from nothing. Races. New faces. Well-worn paths. Regrets: I’ve had a few. Facing fears. Screwing up. Falling down. Getting back up again. Being encouraged. Laughter. Significant. Discovered. Are you anything like me?

 

It’s not often that I want to lather, rinse, and repeat a year, but there are paths from 2010 that I’d take all over again.


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Future Self

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?  Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?

Advice for my future self: 

You got it babe, you got it. Endure. Like people. Smile often. Do the new thing. Celebrate mile markers. Enjoy the adventure. Count your blessings. Show your heart. Take the risk. Step up. Lead. Humble yourself. Serve. Go through the open door. 

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What Are You From?

 

Thomas Lift, LLC; Artist: William Butler

515-201-0312 (Ronja Butler)
info@thomaslift.com

http://www.thomaslift.com/
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I am from rich, wealthy earth

I am from soul, spirit, fire

I am from toil

I am from Dr. Pepper, Milky Way, popcorn

I am from country and culture

I am from sisters and brothers

I am from new beginnings

What makes your story who you are?

Think about touch, whose hand are you holding; smell and taste, what foods make you think of good times, family meals, holidays; colors, toys, sounds, do you hear the cheers from your position at shortstop?

Who does God say you are?

How does it compare with what you say you are from?

Are they the same?

What is the truth?

Any doubts?

"What are people saying about who the Son of Man is?"

They replied, "Some think he is John the Baptizer, some say Elijah, some Jeremiah or one of the other prophets."

He pressed them, "And how about you? Who do you say I am?" (Matthew 13:13-16)

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I Know Where Love Lives

My run:walk shoes, 
my 5K shoes, 
and my 10K and beyond shoes.

I’m in love. With running. I know it's love because I think about it all day. I want the best for it. I have a lot of self-control, patience, and endurance. And I run my own race. 

This season I have run seven 5Ks (3.1 miles), am training for a 10K (6.2 miles) in a week, a 10 miler in a month, and a 1/2 marathon in 2 months.

I think about my training for the evening, the route I'll take, the mileage of a long or short run, hills or speed or race pace, treadmill, trail, asphalt, or track. I think about upcoming races I want to run. I think about the race I just ran. I think about the people I run with and the food I eat! I think about timing and shoes and watches and heartbeats, and serotonin and endorphins dripping down my brain like sweat dripping down my back. 

I think about days of rest and recovery (ahhh, a Sabbath for the runner.)

Take me with you; come, let's run. (Song of Songs 1:4 NLT) 

So what are you in love with right now? Person, place, or thing. Name it and claim it here.

Where does your love live?

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The Sound of Silence

My friend Joy and I talked on Sunday. What a joy to have Joy in my life. She was the gal who had the dorm room with the party going on and a stream of visitors. I remember the night we were eating Funyons and falling down behind Metzler Hall in hilarity. For those of you that don’t know my background, Mac College was a “dry” campus, well for some people it was. 

We talked about how life has changed for us, the soil is turning over. And  I believe we’re being cultivated--prepared for a change (to use language farm girls know). As visionaries, though, this time we can't see it, we just feel it deep in our souls. And it hurts sometimes.

There is a lot of silence in our lives.

  

I don't have the 2.5 kids, the picket fence, the vacation at Yellow Stone, the picturesque anything,

Instead, I’ve had a lot of noise. The noise of deadlines, late hours, bus commuting, partying like it’s 1999, eclectic friends from all walks of life. How does this work? Trying anxiously and fearfully to make it all the while with noise. Filling my time with a lot of busy. Volunteering, service, church, making homes to be better than they were left to me, a 2nd job that is just plain fun, biking, running, a life that, basically, yes I love it. I loved the busy. Busy, though, made me anxious and anxious felt normal if I could catch up with my heart, or my heart could catch up with me.

But now...silence.

Some days I want the addiction of the noise.

God is silent. And I'm listening.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

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