The Failure Forest

flickr image by daniel_sh

I haven't run for 6 weeks because of some low back/hip/sciatic/inflammation issues. (Yes it's multiple choice on what this condition is!) After 3 months of physical therapy and 3 different physical therapists I've been given the "okay to run". This is life giving to me. Suh weet.

In this season I have discovered some things about my mental mood when I'm not running. I don't like not running. I don't like how I feel and when I'm not running, it's easy to make excuses to not run.

The drip of endorphins had totally gone dry. Mentally it was easier to be brought down. There is the constant back and forth in my mind not landing wholly on clarity. Leave. No stay. No leave. No stay. Then there's the full serving plate (and I'm not talking food). I love to serve others. It's one of my spiritual gifts, ya know, and when I don't feel satisfied I fill that plate up like a pasta carbo load before a marathon, (by the way I don't pasta load).  

My doctors and physical therapists still can't pinpoint what has my back in stressed mode but it's not exercise induced. Praise God! I think it has something to do with a stressful job and sitting in a chair all day.

So for Lent I gave up cookies, cake, candy, candy bars, and sweets in general. I also gave up the need for outside affirmation. That's a difficult one. Sometimes just cracking jokes is enough to give me affirmation. So not sure how I gave that up.  

Yesterday I did a last minute fast. I was driving to the doctors having fasted through the night and morning for blood work. So I thought, "Well I've fasted this long, how about fasting all day?" 

Unfortunately I didn't approach it with a wisdom mindset so I was just praying that magical prayer that God would let me know what to do. "Leave." or "Stay." I truly wanted to hear one of those. Nope. I didn't. I have a feeling though that if I encountered the burning bush with a big sign that said, "Janet, leave." I'd still question whether it was me he was talking to or some other Janet. I want my God to be specific, not general.

I've been reading If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get out of the Boat by John Ortberg. I read it 12 years ago and it applied for that chapter of my life and it applies today too. My reluctance to change all gets down to fear. If I do this, it equals that. Or so I think. If I change direction like I did 7 years ago and fail again, it means that I'm not really good at what I'm told I'm good at. It means that I didn't listen 7 years ago, for the same reasons that I may not be listening now. It means I may have a certain amount of determination to get out of a situation that is toxic, stagnant, and life sucking. It means that I have to trust God all over again in something that I have yet to figure out 7 years later why I was in a situation that was hell.

I've failed at many things but I try to keep it at a minimum. I recover. So why do I fear it? I don't want to keep running back to God with the same old complaints. Somehow I don't think God minds that I run back to him.

The cave of failure offers a precious chance to learn. But we must be willing to ask courageous questions:
Am I chasing the right dream?
Is what I'm pursuing consistent with God's calling on my life?
Am I operating out of what God made me to do, or out of my own needs for appearing important and significant?
Am I willing to remain in the cave if it means being true to God?–Ortberg

Some days it's really hard to see the forest for the trees.

Run Forrest run!

Seize the J

I'm on the edge of losing it—the pain in my gut keeps burning. I'm ready to tell my story of failure ... I have many aggressive enemies; they hate me without reason. They repay me evil for good and oppose me for pursuing good. Psalm 38:17-20

My Left Hamstring

photo: St. Peter's Episcopal Church
San Pedro

Last year I took a challenge from a Purpose Driven Life devotion to trust God. It's not like I think about not trusting God, but there are areas of my life that I like to be "all in" and "hands on". Purpose Driven Life specifically said to "Ask God to help you give your trust to him." Hmmm. Ask God for that trust? Okay I can do that. 

I have to say I didn't see much happening for the 1st 6 months or so. Life happened in the day to day. So in June I asked myself, "What am I doing asking God to help me trust him?" What if I did it the bold way and said, "God I trust you with this. I don't know what you're doing, but I trust you do."

So whenever something came up that I wanted to get my hands and mind involved with, I'd say to God, "I trust you God with this." I trust you with this day. I trust you with this relationship. I trust you with my job. I trust you with this 10 mile run. I trust you with my health. I trust you with my life. I trust you know what's going on because I don't.

And so it goes.

And little by little I began to trust. Not because I was asking for trust but because I said, "I trust." Whether I felt like I was trusting or not, I put it out there that I was trusting.

It's a little like doing my training runs on those hot summer mornings. The kind I love that are all thick with humidity and 90 degrees at 8 o'clock in the morning and the trails are a welcome place to run because of the shade. I didn't know if I could run the 8 miles on my training log that day. What would my feet feel like, what about my knees, how much pain when it was over? Well now I know there's nothing I like more than an 8 mile run. And so I began to trust that I'd get through that 8 mile run, and that 10 mile run and eventually the 13.1. (And my feet and knees felt fine. It was the summer skin heat rash that was painful!)

I can't say that I have the trust thing all cornered down. I'm not saying that there aren't times when I want to take it back and get my hands all dirty in the mud pie of it and that I make a decision on my own that doesn't feel like trust. There are mornings when I look in the mirror after a sleepless night of tossing and turning over something that left me puzzled or tears staining my brain. When that uncertainty crept in and I asked, "What am I doing in this?" It followed that, "I don't know what you're doing God, but I trust you that you do."

I've discovered my trust and faith is like my left hamstring, I know it's there, but I have to exercise it, tighten it on cue to feel it.

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. (Hebrews 11:1 MSG)

Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1 CEV)

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1 NLT)

Happy New Year!

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What Time Is It?

Bristolbikes flickr photo

I'm at that stage. The one I thought I would never be at. The one that I said if I ever get to this stage it means I've given up. The one that is similar to the one right around age 30 when I said, "If I'm still going to bars when I get that old, tell me to give it up." (Not goin' to bars anymore for those reasons. Thank God I wised up.)

I'm at that the stage that means I've given up. There must be no hope left. The one where I would let no one pity me after hearing my friend Jeff say to Mary, "I feel sorry for Janet." Ick. I never want anyone to pity me. Then and there I had decided to be the best single person I could be. And I was for a long time.

I have reached that stage again though. The point of exhaustion. Scraping the rocks. The one where there is nothing left. The one I thought I'd reached many times before. The one where I've cried tears of exhaustion that I'm afraid I'll be the last single person left on the face of the earth. Yeah that one!

So for the 2nd time I've been listening to Andy Stanley's  The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating sermon series. If you're single or you have a single friend you care about, listen to this series. Andy issues a challenge to quit dating for one year. That's not really a challenge to me because I'm not dating, but I've thought about it in another way. 

What if for one year I don't think about men in romantic terms? Instead I : renew my mind. Overcome temptation to look. Speak respectfully. Change the way I think about and treat men. Inhabit a positive attitude.

What if I quit talking to God about this and instead trusted my life to him? Well there are all kinds of reasons this sounds totally ridiculous. For one it's horrible timing. God doesn't have a Swatch, a Timex, or my favorite Movado watch so who cares about timing? And what will I learn about myself anyway? That I'm yet alone again naturally? Like I need a reminder.

Andy asks this question:

Are you who the person you are looking for is looking for?

I want to be the person I’m looking for is looking for. The one thing I'd like to be that my person is looking for—fun! There has been a lack of play time in my life. What do I like to do for fun? Run, bike, take road trips for a day, look at old stuff, vintage, antique, watch movies, watch basketball, go to the theater, go to concerts, bake cookies, pizza, play on swings in the park, color in coloring books (for real!)

Let's see how many times have I surrendered this? And how many more times? If I surrender every day so what?

The journal entry goes something like this: This dream is yours to begin with. It's yours. And when I want to take it back and possess it, remind me I gave it to you. I trust you with my dream.

Seize the J

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (Jeremiah 29:11)

A Decade After 9/11

The Sphere, Battery Park, New York City
photo by Stanley Tucker

What were you doing 10 years ago on 9/11? Do you remember what you were doing that morning? Do you remember what you were doing the days or months prior to Sept. 11? Do you remember what you were doing the days or months after Sept. 11?

On the morning of 9/11 I took my car to my mechanic on Merle Hay and Meredith. The NBC Today show was on the TV in the waiting room while I waited for one of the mechanics to drive me to work. The North Tower had just been hit by the 1st plane. In the car the mechanic said it was probably a terrorist act. I internally rolled my eyes. As I got out of the car I looked at the clock on the dash and it was 8:03 (CST), the time the South Tower was hit.

Like many of you I taped a flag from the newspaper on my patio door and lit candles for weeks to remember those who had died, and to hope for those who were searching at Ground Zero.

ABC News has an interesting "diary" of events that happened in the month prior to the tragedy.

This made me wonder what I was doing in the months and days prior to 9/11. So I visited my journals.

The months prior to 9/11 my anxiety was palpable. I had visited my friend Sheri in Raleigh, N.C., and had, what I know now, some kind of anxiety related melt down. (Hindsight is 20/20.) I think about bawling uncontrollably on her couch and the grief and sadness, the emotions spilling over but unable to tell it. Sheri, I'm sorry you had to witness that. Sorry about what was aimed at you, and hope you know it wasn't about you.

In the month prior to 9/11 I read a couple of books about fear and opening up to life. Gotta love a book that speaks into me.

"Whatever you are doing—don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take." (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers, p. 108).

"If you let go of something or someone that has not been divinely ordained for you, you are making room for the Divine to take its place in your life. Fear only delays fulfillment. Fear is the insidious activity of the belief that there is something that God cannot do or does not know." (One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Iyanla Vanzant, p. 315)

What did you do after 9/11?

Sept. 13 my journal entry was: In some ways everything seems pointless. I wonder about continuing to paint, or looking for a new job, going back to school, hoping for a relationship, buying new clothes. Am I just going to be blown up someday?

Sept. 16: Church was excellent and patriotic. I cried during My Country Tis of Thee.

I think of life then in terms of after 9/11. It was when I became aware that I needed help. For what I didn't know. I knew that I was isolated, alone. I didn't feel lonely for I knew that isolation and alone were just a condition of my life. It wasn't a behavior that I strived for. It just was.

I had a scary evening that I'll attribute to some scary thoughts on a scary med that freaked me. I got in my car and drove around town. To be out in the world, even if it was alone in my car, felt better.

 "As a wounded or dying animal crawls to be alone so the stricken person craves aloneness, whether to die of it, or to be healed." (A Widow's Story, Joyce Carol Oates, p. 244)

What would save me.

It was warm for a November evening. I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the car for 10 minutes to see what kind of people were going to be there. And then I turned the key in the ignition, put the car in reverse and drove around for another 10 minutes before going back to the parking lot and watch more people go inside. I wasn't afraid of doing this alone. I was used to doing this alone. And yet...I didn't walk into that church on my own that night, but was being led by a shepherd that wanted me back.

If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! (Jeremiah 15:19)

 Seize the J

You Lead Me Here

Scott Polk flickr image

You go before me

in all that I do.

You have already been

down

the path.

You're sending me.

Each season,

you prepare it.

When trees turn

you are here.

From green to

gold to

brown to

fall...

off.

You consider

everything.

You go before all.
To all:

who live on the earth,

to all:

who cry to you.

My bones

grow weak. 

I am so

weary.

And yet, and yet...

I am in hope

for

my heart is confident in you O God.

In lifted hands,

you are worthy of praise.

In lifted voice
high

over raging waters...
you are worthy of praise.

Another season: 

flashes of lightning,
on and off, fill the night sky.

You know your seasons.
You created them in the beginning.

You know your reasons and
your corrections.

You go before me.
My heart rejoices
that you know better than I.

 

When dew is on vine,
in morning bright

seek:
your word for the day.

On solid ground. Stand.

You go before me.

Sun shines,

ice is melted.
You go before me,
My life, guard.

Myself,

in your sanctuary.
Abundantly,

in your bountiful hand.

I created this psalm in a workshop led by Ray McGinnis, author of Journaling the Sacred. McGinnis created this exercise using phrases from the psalms that are highlighted in red.

I'll be leading this technique and 2 others in a journaling breakout session at the Express Your Faith Writer's Conference at Lutheran Church of Hope, August 20.

Try it. Write the phrases in red in your journal. Then connect the phrases with your thoughts, ideas and feelings. You're on your way to being a psalm maker!

Or...invite me to your group and I'll customize the phrases for you.

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For we are God’s masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

Ordinary Joy

Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

The most ordinary moments in 2010 center around friendships.

I remember:

coffee with friends in front of fireplaces sipping lattes or mochas at Friedrichs, Cafe Diem, Amici Espresso, Smokey Row;

gulping water or Gatorade after a Monday evening run with friends from Capital Striders, sitting on a picnic table watching the sun go down and getting eaten by mosquitoes, but not caring too much either, slurping a popsicle after the Midnight Madness run, sweating off the heat and humidity;

getting a phone call from a friend after I had just prayed; now that seems fairly extraordinary

eating blueberry pie, Dutch letters, or walking to Snookies malt shop for ice cream with my small group on Thursday evenings;

What I remember about 2010 is having a lot of pleasant surprises. I'd like to live my 2011 with a lot more surprises and a lot of joy.

Joyful because it's about connecting from the heart with people who have heart.

God, I am filled with joy because of you, and I sing your praises. Psalm 9:2

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Soul Food

What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth and touched your soul?

I am soooo not a foodie. Not into making food, baking food, discussing food, or idolizing food, but somehow I manage to eat. Here are some of my favorite foods.

Favorite veggies: lima beans, radishes (one of my favorite childhood memories is having a butter and and radish slice open-face sandwich with my Mom on the back step)
Favorite fruit: strawberries, white grapes
Favorite juice: grapefruit juice
Favorite Blizzard: Midnight Truffle
Favorite breakfast before a run: Malt-O Meal, maple and brown sugar
Favorite peanut butter: Smuckers all natural
Favorite meal dining out: cashew chicken
Favorite meals I make: chili in the crock, pizza.

Here's my pizza recipe.

Mama Mary's pizza crust
olive oil
prepared pesto (Alessi)
tomato paste
World Classics artichoke and tomato antipasto
black olives, sliced
mozzarella cheese

Heat oven to 425 degrees. Drizzle both sides of pizza crust with olive oil. Bake until lightly brown on the bottom, 3-4 minutes. Remove from oven. Spread pesto and tomato paste on top of crust. Top pizza with artichoke and tomato antipasto, black olives, and mozzarella cheese.

Bake for 12-14 minutes.

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Everything's Okay

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

Clarity doesn't come quickly to me. I think, analyze, scrutinize, bend an idea up, down, around, sideways, backwards, and try to reason and make sense of it before making a decision. It's tiring being this analytical. I talk myself out of a lot of things. Unfortunately it also leads to assumptions, high expectations, and perfectionism. I've always wanted to be a quick thinker without 2nd guessing myself.

A personal philosophy of mine has always been to seek and understand. I'd add to that I also need to learn to trust that God already has it all figured out. And to think, he did it all without my help and musing!

The Lord answered Job from the whirlwind: Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east? (Job 38: 1, 2, 12)

Joyce Meyer said, "I once asked the Lord why so many people are confused and He said to me, 'Tell them to stop trying to figure everything out, and they will stop being confused.' Reasoning and confusion go together."

My devotion this morning said, "Ask God to help you give your trust entirely to him this coming year, and then watch what he does in your life."

That releases me from a lot of worry. I'm doing it.

Watch what he does in my life. Try it with me.

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Travel

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? 

Planes, trains, automobiles. Happily seeking with wonder. A text surprise. Losing myself and losing my path, but not losing my way. Running into something. Running away from nothing. Races. New faces. Well-worn paths. Regrets: I’ve had a few. Facing fears. Screwing up. Falling down. Getting back up again. Being encouraged. Laughter. Significant. Discovered. Are you anything like me?

 

It’s not often that I want to lather, rinse, and repeat a year, but there are paths from 2010 that I’d take all over again.


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Future Self

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead?  Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?

Advice for my future self: 

You got it babe, you got it. Endure. Like people. Smile often. Do the new thing. Celebrate mile markers. Enjoy the adventure. Count your blessings. Show your heart. Take the risk. Step up. Lead. Humble yourself. Serve. Go through the open door. 

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I Know Where Love Lives

My run:walk shoes, 
my 5K shoes, 
and my 10K and beyond shoes.

I’m in love. With running. I know it's love because I think about it all day. I want the best for it. I have a lot of self-control, patience, and endurance. And I run my own race. 

This season I have run seven 5Ks (3.1 miles), am training for a 10K (6.2 miles) in a week, a 10 miler in a month, and a 1/2 marathon in 2 months.

I think about my training for the evening, the route I'll take, the mileage of a long or short run, hills or speed or race pace, treadmill, trail, asphalt, or track. I think about upcoming races I want to run. I think about the race I just ran. I think about the people I run with and the food I eat! I think about timing and shoes and watches and heartbeats, and serotonin and endorphins dripping down my brain like sweat dripping down my back. 

I think about days of rest and recovery (ahhh, a Sabbath for the runner.)

Take me with you; come, let's run. (Song of Songs 1:4 NLT) 

So what are you in love with right now? Person, place, or thing. Name it and claim it here.

Where does your love live?

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The Year of Living Deliberately

So it's 10 days into the New Year and I've dubbed 2009 as The Year of Living Deliberately. I made some deliberate actions. I made friends. I made enemies. I made myself happy. I made myself frustrated and upset. I tried lots of new things, met new people, tried a different martini each time (espresso chocolate is delightful); vacationed in a city I'd never been before (Chicago); joined some new groups (CityBranch, Capital Striders).

One of my friends asked me if I was having fun doing it. "Are you kidding? Fun? I don't know what I'm doing," I said. "I have too many questions and not enough answers coming in."

Do I do this?
Do I call?
Does he?
Will he?
Do I ask?
Do I wait?
Do I take this street?
This exit?
Do I stay here?
What about there?
Do I spend my money on this?
What about that?
Do I move?
Will it hurt?
Will it make me happy?
Do I end it or do I just let it end itself?
Do I jump in with both feet?
Or what about just a toe in the water for now?
What is the meaning of all this?
Does God act?
Do I?

What were your questions in 2009? What were the answers?

When all is said and done, or when all is questioned out, and we take an action, God is with us.

And so it goes in 2010. 'Cause I kinda like it like that.

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Get the Funk Out

I've been trying to get the funk out lately. Some of you have said you've been in a funk too.

It started around Labor Day weekend. Someone said something to me that is soooo against everything I am. Right away I bristled. "I'm not cut out that way. I'm not created that way. And if that's the way it's gonna be. Then I'm not gonna like it. I'm checking out." I couldn't shake it. And as funks go, one thing led to another which led to another which led to another. I tried to keep my mind on what is good and true, tried to grab onto something to stop from falling but the momentum and spiral down was too hard to overcome on my own. On my own never works.

The writer in Psalm 118:6 says, "What can mere people do to me?" I said, what can a mere "insert name here" do to me?

I was talking to a friend of mine about this funk. Being journal savvy, she suggested I journal about what makes Janet shine. Here's what makes me shine.



What about you? What makes you shine?

Use the vine and branches technique in your journal. Start with your name in the middle. What do you like to do? Who do you like to be around? Where do you hang out? What makes you who you are?

Yes, I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Psalm 37:5-7

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The Magnetic Prophetic

Have you ever had someone speak a word to you that was prophetic? That wouldn't leave your thoughts? Every time you heard it you thought, there's that word again.

I'm not talking about a commencement speech, a paradigm, or even a paragraph. Just 1 word.

In the past few months I've been driving around with 1 prophetic word stuck on the back of my car.

A few months ago I did something out of my usual Saturday happenings and went to an art gallery exhibit of Bill Butler's. I knew of Bill and Ronja, his wife, from Hope, but had never met them. In humbleness, Bill talked about how he created and visioned art, how he walked the cross every day to the upper room that is his studio, how he used the blocks from the cross to depict the crucifixion, the stains like a blood wash. It was a magnetic and prophetic conversation.

Before I left he said he had a word for me. It was a magnetic bumper sticker and the word was SEEK.



Copyright 2008 Thomas Lift. All Rights Reserved.

Speaking that one word has made me think about my world, and the way I interact in it, differently.

SEEK:
to go to,
to go in search of,
to ask for,
to make an attempt,
to make a search or inquiry,
...
to be sought.

SEEK has passed through the pores of my brain every day since I received it.

The word that day was a gift, and well, it has made all the difference.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost

What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. Luke 12:29-31 (The Message)

And don't be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don't worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. SEEK the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need. Luke 12:29-31 (NLT)

Seek the J

...oh I mean...hee hee

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J writing
The Thomas Lift project faith word magnets are:
Called
Arise
Shine
Beloved
Abide
Hope
Seek
Pure
Life
Trust
Selah

Which faith word describes where you are right now?

Which faith word describes where you want to be?

Which would you give to someone else?

If someone were to choose one for you, would it be different than the one you choose for yourself?

Faith word magnets are available for $4 at Solid Rock Resources at Lutheran Church of Hope. Collect them all!

Watch Bill create in this video. No words to describe it. Just watch!

His next exhibit is June 26-28 at Avenue Gallery in West Glen Town Center.

Bread of Life

I've been reading about spiritual disciplines (journaling, by the way, is one). As an exercise for the School of Listening Prayer, I fasted. Before doing it I asked God to show me my weaknesses. Ouch. A word of caution if you pray this. This prayer was answered within seconds and went on for several weeks. I've finally said, “I get it. I get it. Now help me out of my messes.”

The spiritual discipline I’ve been studying is confession and self-examination, "to surrender my weaknesses and faults to the forgiving love of Christ and intentionally desire and embrace practices that lead to transformation."

I have attachments to busyness and independence. Busyness, unfortunately, is where I get validation.

It does keep me in community and therefore humbled because I learn a lot from you and others. But busyness keeps my mind on the going nowhere treadmill. I'm not sure going nowhere, or somewhere for that matter, or accomplishing something, is the right goal or should even be a goal of a Christian. In other words, am I only serving because I will accomplish some human goal or that it will take me to some level? That is self serving. Not Christ serving. That's a goal of a human doing not a human being. Being busy is filling time. Busyness keeps me in the public eye. Busyness keeps me from being lonely and isolated, and I'm afraid of those because of anxiety and depression. Busyness seems to be about validation, which borders on pride.

Independence, and my attachment to it, was a complete surprise. I didn’t realize that it was an attachment.

I’m extremely comfortable doing things on my own, going places by myself. Walking through a door by myself isn’t one of those things I’m uncomfortable doing. It’s the norm. It’s probably more out of my comfort zone to walk through the door with others.

Recently someone told me he viewed me as strong and that made me wonder about strength. I was puzzled by that. Like, uh, what other way is there to be? My parents raised strong children and for that, I reflect back to God with gratitude. And I’ve learned to be strong because of circumstances, because of independence, and because there was no one around to rescue me out my situations, and no one could rescue me. I had to learn it on my own. Because of Him I am strong. In my rewritten paradigm from Christ Life class it is affirmed, “You are my strength. You are my source for love and joy.”

I asked God to show me my weaknesses. I know my strengths but my strengths turn out to also be some weaknesses.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5

"I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it was with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty." Philippians 4:11-14

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Dream Works

One of my favorite Bible stories is about the dreamer Joseph. And Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is also one of my favorite Broadway shows.

"Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time."

I'm an insomniac. Have been for about 12 years. How do you become one too? You quit sleeping, but not because you want to. I went to a sleeping disorders clinic and they had a computer simulation test as part of the analysis. They said I was way out of the "normal" range and hit too many cows in the simulation! At that time, a good night's sleep was 4 hours and a bad night's sleep was anywhere from 20 minutes to 4 hours. That qualifies for insomniac status.

Mitch told me he thought I had the gift of prophecy to which I said, "No, I don't think so." Prophets I thought have long beards, carry a staff, wear a robe, and make proclamations from mountain tops. No, don't want a beard and as far as acquiring a staff, ebay might be a source. That same week in the School of Listening Prayer, Pastor Richard talked about prophecy and it mirrored what Mitch said. I talked with Deb after class and also met with Pastor Richard and after those conversations I thought, "Hmmm, it's possible." So I talked to another source: God. "God, I would like to have this gift and if you want me to have this gift then I need my dreams back." Since I don't get deep REM sleep, I don't dream. Shortly after that, I began getting deeper sleep. My dreams are back.

I see words in my dreams. Go figure that God would speak to a journaler, reader, and writer in words. Sometimes words appear like a slide show. They'll wave or flash across my vision. Sometimes I'm reading a book and I can actually read the words in the book in my dream.

Last night I dreamed the words were inscribed at the top of a building. The building was a large, square, sandstone, temple-like structure. There were no windows on the outside. I stood in front of it and at the top of the building the inscribed words were: Honor Patience Obey. In that order. Patience loomed larger in the middle.

Patience is a word that kept coming up during my fast last week. Honor and Obey. Could be honor my parents, obey God...but all 3 of them in relation to each other? In order? I'm still unpacking this one. If you have a prophecy or an idea about these 3 words, post here or e-mail me at seizethej@gmail.com. Yikes!

Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph's character. Psalm 105:19

Until then...
Seize the J

"May I return to the beginning
The light is dimming, and the dream is too
The world and I, we are still waiting
Still hesitating...
Any dream will do."

*Lyrics by Tim Rice

iPhone or iThrone?

When you have a problem, where do you go? Do you go to the phone or do you go to the throne?

People are compelled to pick up the phone when they "need" to talk to someone. And it's going on 24/7 in our culture.

How many of us say we are compelled to call on God when we need to talk? Or is he the go-to-guy as a last resort?

"Tis the only comfort of the miserable to have partners in their woes." (Don Quixote de la Mancha). Hmmm. We seem to miserate in company. Hey I'm all for community and Lord knows I need it because I can isolate very easily and yet...

...I have yet to find a person that can solve my problems. Last summer I was having a "day of crisis" and was desperate to find an answer (or more like some relief) right then, right there. I was going to poll some friends and get their analysis of the situation. I called 5 people. I got 5 voicemails saying my call was very important to them and to have a nice day.* Have a nice day! Are you kidding, I was having a crisis! If only I could reach out, reach out and touch someone, my problem would be over and I could move on. Right?

God had other plans that meant talking to him first before I threw it out there for public opinion. And he's a lot easier to reach out and touch.

When I call on Jesus, I know he's paying attention to me. I know when I talk he listens. He's not putting me on hold, he's not checking his voicemails, he's not listening with one ear and texting an answered prayer to someone else on the other hand.

He is fully engaged with me. He is fully engaged with you.

God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him. You were foolish to go for human help when you could have had God's help. (2 Chronicles 16:9, The Message)

Seize the J

* Any resemblance to real life may be purely paranoia.

J quote
I'm so very ordinary.
Nothing special on my own.
I have never walked on water.
I have never calmed a storm.
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
like a child who's afraid of the dark.

But when I call on Jesus
all things are possible.
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar.
When I call on Jesus
mountains are gonna fall.
'Cause he'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call.

(When I Call on Jesus recorded by Nichole C. Mullen)

Here's My Heart, What's Your Hurry

Each of my journals begin with a prayer, setting the tone for the journal.

My current journal begins with my secondary mission for Seize the J from Isaiah 61:1-3.

God has sent me on a mission. I have some great news for you. God has sent me to restore and release something. I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. I am furious at the enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him. Let me comfort you. For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you where you have known only devastation. Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair. (translation from Captivating)

Date your entries. Write naturally in your own voice. Don't write as if someone is looking over your shoulder. If your writing doesn't sound like you … then who are you writing for?

God is looking for your heart. He's not looking for a term paper or a dissertation. Again I say, he wants your heart.

My buddy Kent, from choir, and I were talking about his journaling experiences. What I hear from guys is you're not sure you're doing it right, meaning the writing flow and style doesn't feel or sound right. I suggested that Kent try writing in bullet lists rather than writing complete sentences. I also suggested he go back to those entries he wrote several months ago and reread them. I bet he discovers something about himself. I'm interested in hearing from you guys about your journaling experiences. E-mail me at seizethej@gmail.com.

Make sure your entries are readable to you. Drop the notions of appearance, proper grammar and spelling rules, complete sentences. Doodle. Write in the margins. (Remember the funky little drawings in the margins of Mad magazine.) As an editor and writer it would be very tempting to rewrite and edit myself. Not going there. It's even fun to see misspeelings. For example instead of: is it good enough, I've written is it god enough. Read between the lines on that one.

Discover your natural writing time. Morning, noon, night? Try writing at different times of day and discover when your thoughts flow naturally. Mine is a.m. and p.m.

Write on a regular basis. It doesn't matter for how long you write, how much you write, or how often you write. Surrender the notion of obsessively writing every day. Why are you obsessing? Stop it.

Read your entries out loud, slowly, to yourself. Hearing your voice gives you clarity, hearing God's voice gives you clarity! Slow down. It's a walk, not a race.

Use good judgment about maintaining privacy. My friend Laura keeps a notebook journal and a computer journal. Here is how she uses the computer journal:

I use a personal (free) e-mail account I've established specifically for this purpose, I just don't send the e-mails to anyone. It's a very secure source, as opposed to having a written document laying around for someone to potentially find. It is reassuring when I've got something on my mind I really wouldn't want anyone else to read inadvertently. Of course, my husband teases that I have the personal e-mail account he can't access just so I have means of communicating with my secret boyfriend!And just so you know, I've been there, done that betrayal thang. Don't recommend it at all. (I'll save this story for another day.)

Save your journals. Reread, reread, reread. Growth is one of the most exciting things for me to read in my journals. God has been at work all along, all for his glory. The way to capture it is to see it, hear it, and feel it by rereading it. Don't soak in the lament of your past after rereading but celebrate with God for how much he has done. Use a highlighter and mark the entries that catch your ear. Reflect on how God is at work and then journal your praises to him.

And again I say, he wants your heart.

Seize the J

I hurt because I gave.
I gave because I love.
I love because I'm willing.
I'm willing because you
love me.

O Lord, you have examined my heart
and you know everything about me.
Psalm 139:1

Brotha' Can You Spare a Dime?

Jan. 24, 2008

It is -10 degrees outside with a wind chill of -25 (that's the feel-like temperature for you in the South). Today I wore long underwear, pants, turtleneck sweater, 2 pairs of socks, warm hiking boots, a hooded fleece sweatshirt, scarf, long wool dress coat, Turtle Fur ski headband, and Polar Tec mittens. All this for my 2-1/2 block walk to the bus stop. Hopefully the bus would be on time and I'd have less than a 5 minute wait. I was cold anyway.

How comfortable are you? What's the indoor feel-like temperature where you are?

I saw my 1st homeless people in Denver 20 some years ago. I was on the 1 hour-3-transfers bus ride to my job at a collection agency (I lasted less than 3 weeks!) The bus went across a bridge north of downtown, what was then the old rail yards and stock yards. It is now Coors Field, home of the Colorado Rockies. As the bus went across the bridge I looked down. There were 4 or 5 men hudd

led around a fire burning in a barrel.

How comfortable are you?

A few years ago some friends and I went on a street mission with our friend Della at Hope Ministries. It was mid September. After a brief tour of the kitchen, Rick told a little about the mission. Eggs are hard to come by at the mission and with fall approaching warm socks were needed. We rode in the back of the truck and dished out meals of macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, milk, bread, whatever we had and howe

ver long it lasted. I remember being at a tent camp near Gray's Lake. A prayer was always said before we left for the next stop. Two of the homeless argued over who would say the prayer. How Jesus must have chuckled. I remember one of the homeless women from the camp saying to a homeless man, "Jesus loves you." He replied, "Uh uh. No he don't." How sad he felt so worthless that no one can love him, not even Jesus. How Jesus must have wept.

How comfortable are you?

Two years ago I was in a God-forsaken-valley-of-a-job. I worked downtown and walked the skywalk between the company's 2 satellite offices. I was miserable as many of you know. One day a man that reminded me of Santa Claus with white hair and a beard walked by me in the skywalk. He smiled and said, "Hi." If ever I needed a smile--that day was it. A few weeks later he was outside one of the skywalk convenience stores. He told me the lottery was at $12 million. I laughed. A few weeks later I saw him again. It was then I realized he was homeless. The cans in the garbage bag was the tip off. I saw him many times when I worked downtown. I don't know his name--only that he gave me a gift on a day I needed one.

How comfortable are you?

Last spring Sue, Kathy, Trish, and I went along with Alan, Hope's Cookie Ministry director, to feed the homeless in Des Moines. Alan was a great guide around the city and we stopped at shelters,

ministries, and camps. He expertly warned us at one of the tent camps not to go in because of

the mean dogs. We could hear the dogs woofing it up at the edge of the trees. Dogs? No one told me there'd be dogs! Trish took the heart-felt photo at the top of this blog. Watch a short documentary of how the homeless live at Sue's You Tube video. Listen to their words of grace and need. See inside their hearts.

Sue loaned me a great book about being homeless--Under the Overpass: A Journey of Faith on the Streets of America by Mike Yankoski. I read it last year while in NY. The homeless there aren't as visible as you might think. Unless you have your eyes closed. My last day there I attended church that morning, bought some earrings at Macy's, and was on my way to Bryant Park for a hot dog. I saw the man sitting on the sidewalk with black garbage bags on his legs and newspapers braided around his arms. He desperately cried out, "Please help me." I know the warnings about giving money directly to the homeless. I walked past… The "least of these" scripture played in my brain. True New Yorkers always keep change on hand to give to the homeless. I could not walk away. I turned around, his hand still stretched out, his palm caked with dirt. Our eyes met. "Oh thank you, thank you, I'm so grateful," he said.

I was hungry and you gave me no meal,
I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
I was homeless and you gave me no bed,
I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,
Sick and in prison, and you never visited.

…Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn't help?'

He will answer them, "I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me--you failed to do it to me." Matthew 25:41-45 (The Message)

How comfortable are you? What's your feel-like temperature now?

Seize the J

(Photo copyrighted and courtesy of TLC Photography toma-lark@mchsi.com)

Are You an Escape Artist?

If you’ve been to a Seize the J workshop, you’re familiar with the journaling exercise about escape--where you escape to, where you feel at home, where you like to be, where you feel yourself like no other place. What do you see? What do you hear? What does it smell like? My place--New York City. My other: on the floor basking in the sun’s (Son’s) rays.

In the book To Be Told, by Dan Allender, he spins the idea of escape in the opposite direction--and it’s a lot more difficult to journal because I have yet to honestly write about it.

The question: Where do you escape to find security and acceptance when you feel shame?

Webster defines shame as: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; a condition of humiliating disgrace.

Humiliating disgrace sums it up awfully, don’t you think?

I was a temper-tantrum throwin’ child, there is something shameful about being out of control. All I know is at some point I learned to hold it in. Until I got to be about 33 and then it fired up like lava spewing out of a volcano.


The world couldn’t love me like I wanted to be loved. I couldn’t compare to everyone that seemed to have the job, the house, the car, the relationship, the stuff. It looked like everyone had everything and I had nothing.

Ooooh so not true. For I had my identity. My identity is in Christ. The world will never love us, and we better hope it doesn’t and that we don’t love the world either. If you do, my friends, take a look at what it offers.

“As long as I keep running about asking: ‘Do you love me? Do you really love me?’ I give all the power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with ‘ifs.’ The world says: ‘Yes, I love you if you are good looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.’ There are endless ‘ifs’ hidden in the world’s love. These ‘ifs’ enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain ‘hooked’ to the world--trying, failing, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.” (From The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri J.M. Nouwen.)

Do you have a world that fosters addictions?

Is it your escape?

Don’t love the world's ways. Don't love the world's goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world--wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important--has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out--but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity. 1 John 2:15-17 (The Message)

What is the deepest craving of your heart?

Seize the J