A Decade After 9/11

The Sphere, Battery Park, New York City
photo by Stanley Tucker

What were you doing 10 years ago on 9/11? Do you remember what you were doing that morning? Do you remember what you were doing the days or months prior to Sept. 11? Do you remember what you were doing the days or months after Sept. 11?

On the morning of 9/11 I took my car to my mechanic on Merle Hay and Meredith. The NBC Today show was on the TV in the waiting room while I waited for one of the mechanics to drive me to work. The North Tower had just been hit by the 1st plane. In the car the mechanic said it was probably a terrorist act. I internally rolled my eyes. As I got out of the car I looked at the clock on the dash and it was 8:03 (CST), the time the South Tower was hit.

Like many of you I taped a flag from the newspaper on my patio door and lit candles for weeks to remember those who had died, and to hope for those who were searching at Ground Zero.

ABC News has an interesting "diary" of events that happened in the month prior to the tragedy.

This made me wonder what I was doing in the months and days prior to 9/11. So I visited my journals.

The months prior to 9/11 my anxiety was palpable. I had visited my friend Sheri in Raleigh, N.C., and had, what I know now, some kind of anxiety related melt down. (Hindsight is 20/20.) I think about bawling uncontrollably on her couch and the grief and sadness, the emotions spilling over but unable to tell it. Sheri, I'm sorry you had to witness that. Sorry about what was aimed at you, and hope you know it wasn't about you.

In the month prior to 9/11 I read a couple of books about fear and opening up to life. Gotta love a book that speaks into me.

"Whatever you are doing—don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take." (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers, p. 108).

"If you let go of something or someone that has not been divinely ordained for you, you are making room for the Divine to take its place in your life. Fear only delays fulfillment. Fear is the insidious activity of the belief that there is something that God cannot do or does not know." (One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, Iyanla Vanzant, p. 315)

What did you do after 9/11?

Sept. 13 my journal entry was: In some ways everything seems pointless. I wonder about continuing to paint, or looking for a new job, going back to school, hoping for a relationship, buying new clothes. Am I just going to be blown up someday?

Sept. 16: Church was excellent and patriotic. I cried during My Country Tis of Thee.

I think of life then in terms of after 9/11. It was when I became aware that I needed help. For what I didn't know. I knew that I was isolated, alone. I didn't feel lonely for I knew that isolation and alone were just a condition of my life. It wasn't a behavior that I strived for. It just was.

I had a scary evening that I'll attribute to some scary thoughts on a scary med that freaked me. I got in my car and drove around town. To be out in the world, even if it was alone in my car, felt better.

 "As a wounded or dying animal crawls to be alone so the stricken person craves aloneness, whether to die of it, or to be healed." (A Widow's Story, Joyce Carol Oates, p. 244)

What would save me.

It was warm for a November evening. I pulled into the parking lot and sat in the car for 10 minutes to see what kind of people were going to be there. And then I turned the key in the ignition, put the car in reverse and drove around for another 10 minutes before going back to the parking lot and watch more people go inside. I wasn't afraid of doing this alone. I was used to doing this alone. And yet...I didn't walk into that church on my own that night, but was being led by a shepherd that wanted me back.

If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! (Jeremiah 15:19)

 Seize the J

What's Your Tantrum?

Russell Reno flickr image

In my writing I notice I link to melancholy, which I don't understand considering my "normal" childhood. While I had a happy and creative, and hard working childhood, I can remember feeling misunderstood probably because of a lack of communication skills, that sometimes resulted in temper tantrums. Temper tantrums are just that, not being able to communicate because of a lack of communication skills. Seems like a cycle. Communication is still hard for me because I feel repressed, where is my voice, and who wants to hear me?
 
That's why writing in my journal is a release. It's much easier to take pen to paper, or write an e-mail, and tell someone my feelings than to use my vocal chords.

I'm much more a listener than a talker. I become blocked by all the external messages I receive. I pay attention to body language and I'm likely to clam up if someone is yawning, if they look bored, or if there is a continued gaze at something happening in the distance, that to me says "I'm interested in what's going on over there not here."

I've heard that children that have temper tantrums are highly sensitive to their environments. They pick up on things in their surroundings that others don't. Tags on clothing drive me crazy, always have. I cut out the most annoying that feel like paper or sandpaper. I couldn't wait to get out of those scratchy dresses with the netting that my mom dressed me in. Whoever came up with tag free clothing must've known the agony of a paper tag scratching the back of the neck or the small of the back.  

What about you, what are you sensitive about?

Did you throw temper tantrums as a kid? And you turned out okay like me, right?

Seize the J

...return to a life of peace and quiet...(Jeremiah 46:27)

You Lead Me Here

Scott Polk flickr image

You go before me

in all that I do.

You have already been

down

the path.

You're sending me.

Each season,

you prepare it.

When trees turn

you are here.

From green to

gold to

brown to

fall...

off.

You consider

everything.

You go before all.
To all:

who live on the earth,

to all:

who cry to you.

My bones

grow weak. 

I am so

weary.

And yet, and yet...

I am in hope

for

my heart is confident in you O God.

In lifted hands,

you are worthy of praise.

In lifted voice
high

over raging waters...
you are worthy of praise.

Another season: 

flashes of lightning,
on and off, fill the night sky.

You know your seasons.
You created them in the beginning.

You know your reasons and
your corrections.

You go before me.
My heart rejoices
that you know better than I.

 

When dew is on vine,
in morning bright

seek:
your word for the day.

On solid ground. Stand.

You go before me.

Sun shines,

ice is melted.
You go before me,
My life, guard.

Myself,

in your sanctuary.
Abundantly,

in your bountiful hand.

I created this psalm in a workshop led by Ray McGinnis, author of Journaling the Sacred. McGinnis created this exercise using phrases from the psalms that are highlighted in red.

I'll be leading this technique and 2 others in a journaling breakout session at the Express Your Faith Writer's Conference at Lutheran Church of Hope, August 20.

Try it. Write the phrases in red in your journal. Then connect the phrases with your thoughts, ideas and feelings. You're on your way to being a psalm maker!

Or...invite me to your group and I'll customize the phrases for you.

Seize the J

For we are God’s masterpiece. (Ephesians 2:10 NLT)

What I Learned From Unbusy

For Lent I decided to become unbusy. Just like we can get ourselves busy, we can get ourselves unbusy. I decided to live a noncalendared life. And oh Babe how good it is!

How did I do it? All it took was a talk with God about the things in my life that weren't working. As if he needed to be told. He'd been telling me that for quite a while. And then he naturally eliminated some of the responsibilities (i.e., burdens) I was carrying. Why? Because it is good!

A show I was scheduled to work was canceled. I stepped down from a commitment that was overwhelming me. Several freelance projects I'd said yes to weeks earlier didn't happen. Phone calls weren't made. E-mails weren't created.

While most friends encouraged my journey into a noncalendared life and said, "You go girl. I wish I could do the same," some thought I'd lost my mojo. Seriously?

Anxiety, panic, heart palpitations, surviving on a few hours of sleep, confusion, memory wipe outs. What on that list sounds like a good thing to hold on to?

There were some suggestions to be unbusy: read a book (sounds like another thing to keep busy), look at yet another website (sounds like another thing to keep busy), talk to so and so who did the same thing (sounds like another thing to keep busy).

I discovered the joy of saying "no."

I began spending the last 45 minutes of my evening seated on the floor beside my bed, talking to God, just talking, sometimes crying, sometimes saying nothing.

Here are some other fun things I did during unbusy:
Baked cookies.
Met with friends for great talks, laughs.
Listened to music—live and otherwise.
Read one book at a time, without three others on deck.
Ran and biked on beautiful Sundays.
Ran an 8K.
Served.

The less I do, the less I feel compelled to do anything more.

Life is sweet. Bake cookies. Ride a bike. Run like your life depends on it.

And Seize the J

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16: 9, 3)

March Madness

Do you have a bucket list?

I don't set goals. It's not that I don't have goals. It's just that I go out and do stuff and don't set it in stone with a time and a place.

I don't call them goals, dreams, a to-do list, or a bucket list. I keep them somewhere in the back 40 of my cerebellum.

Here are things I've accomplished that at one time were in my back 40, things I'd always wanted to do:

College cheerleader.
Graduated from college.
Lived in a big city (Denver).
Editor.
Traveled to New York City (5 times).
Ran a 10K.
Ran 10 miles.
Ran a half marathon.
Own a black Honda.
Own a cottage-type house.

So here is the detailed, specific list of what I wanted that list to really be:

Be a cheerleader for the University of Iowa.
Graduate from the University of Iowa.
Live in New York City.
Be an editor for a glossy magazine.
Be a book submissions/manuscript editor.
Run? I have bad knees! Why would I run?
Car? I didn't even own a car, couldn't afford a car in my Greeley days.
Own a Pottery Barn cottage in Beaverdale.

The last list, maybe like yours, is detailed. But when I compare it to what I've really done, what was actually served up is the same set of accomplishments, just a different back 40.

It's okay to be specific and detailed in your goals, but I finally realized that if I lived my life thinking I'd only had accomplishments if I lived by the specific list, then, in short, I failed. And I haven't!

And I believe it's okay to be open to what God makes happen in his creative way because there may be some great, exciting adventures along the way. His way is better than my way.

Just for fun I made a bucket list. Here are some other things in the back rooms of my mind:

Eat a crab cake at the farmer's market.
Visit Tiffany's in New York City.
Travel to Disney World.
Hear my Dad say I love you.
Get dressed up and have dinner at an atmospheric restaurant with (insert ____ here !)
Be in love...that leads to marriage.
Go to Hawaii.
Help others write their stories.
Own a fun/sporty car (black, of course).
Go to a U2 concert.

What have you done that at one time was just an idea, just something hanging out in your mind? Allow it to be simple. Allow it to be an accomplishment. What have you said to yourself, "Someday I'd like to ... "

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. -- Robert Frost

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Seize the J